May 15
Autism and Loneliness
Loneliness is a depressing melody many autistic people play on repeat. As an autistic adult, I have experienced my fair share of loneliness. For the most part, I seek out solitude; I don’t prioritise social interaction with the same level of enthusiasm as my peers.
Hi, my name is Jason, and my attitude towards having friends is similar to how a child treats a toy they no longer play with. It is almost as if I had forgotten that social interaction is a fundamental human need when I am alone. Things change when I am in a group setting, and I see other people interacting, making friends, and having a great time together; suddenly, I crave the same thing. That is the difference between loneliness and being alone (solitude); feelings of emptiness accompany loneliness; it results in a negative self-view and feelings of rejection.
Through my experiences, I find people often hold a stigmatised view of solitude or social isolation; but I don’t feel that way. I consider the time I spend alone to be a crucial component of my mental health and maintaining my self-esteem; without my alone time, my mental/emotional fitness begins to deteriorate. Most people need to undergo a paradigm shift when it comes to solitude, a fundamental change in perspective where a new standard replaces the conventional way of doing or thinking about something.
I’m writing this article to shed light on why autistic people may have issues with loneliness and help anyone struggling to recognise the dangers of social isolation so that you can be more proactive instead of being locked in a feeling of hopelessness. There are benefits to being alone; I believe that making constructive use of alone time will drastically increase your quality of life and could be the key to you finding richer value and meaning in your interpersonal connections.
Negative Consequences of Loneliness
Loneliness is more described as a state of mind rather than being in solitude. It is a feeling of emptiness, feeling unwanted; lonely people crave human contact but have difficulty meeting the need. These feelings can result from low self-esteem and low confidence, making you feel unworthy of other people’s attention or regard, leading to isolation. Feelings of loneliness are a strong indicator that your social well-being needs a boost.
Loneliness is linked to depression; you’ll be unhappy, with a more pessimistic, cynical outlook on life. Loneliness distinguishes itself from depression by the feeling that connecting with another person will make everything okay. Social isolation and loneliness significantly increased the risk of premature mortality. It affects the quality of your sleep and contributes to cognitive and cardiovascular decline; it even seems that loneliness can weaken the immune system. The health risks associated with loneliness are a similar magnitude of severity to obesity, smoking or physical inactivity.
Autistic People are Susceptible to Feelings of Loneliness
It doesn’t feel great to be left out. When I look at neurotypical people, I can definitely see that you have this nearly autonomous way of engaging with each other. It goes beyond the scope of having good social skills, and there are differences in the preferred method of communication. Autistic people are among the most lonely and isolated groups in the UK, with as many as 79% of people reporting feelings of isolation.
Before I understood I was autistic, I had encountered many people on the autism spectrum; I had never had interpersonal connections that felt so organic and natural. I’ve always been aware that I perceive the world differently from my peers. From anyone else’s point of view, I appear normal; there is no reason to understand why I would behave or interpret things differently.
Unnatural and inauthentic are two words I use to describe most of the interpersonal relationships I’ve had with neurotypical people. Autistic people are great at mimicking what we see but poor at interpreting relevant nuances. I could witness a group of people become friends, but the importance of shared interests, virtues and values may not correctly register. Similarly, I could notice how a bully/narcissistic type can socially elevate themselves by degrading and humiliating others but not understand that taking on these toxic behaviours make it hard to form meaningful, fulfilling and healthy relationships with the right people. Mimicking behaviour is how autistic people attempt to blend in and disguise themselves; we call it masking.
Masking is a toxic behavioural pattern; because many of the “nuances” get misinterpreted, it never works out too well as a long-term strategy. I have often felt that I needed to change who I was to fit in; I didn’t understand the fundamentals of how healthy interpersonal dynamics should operate. Growing up, the dynamics between my immediate family members were also unhealthy; I had been conditioned to a breed of narcissistic toxicity; it reflected what I thought was “normal” and affected how I would treat other people and the behaviour I would tolerate from others.
The urge to mask is also an act of suppressing our intuition, opinions, and instinctual behaviours to cater to the expectations of others; it leaves autistic people vulnerable to being manipulated, misled, and exploited. Similarly, these compromising behaviours encourage autistic people to remain stuck in shallow relationships, which do not provide the emotional fulfilment that we seek at a fundamental level.
Autistic people often sense a form of differentness from their peers, which is usually confirmed by many negative experiences interacting with people. These differences can manifest differently; imagine being at school, asking a question after not understanding and being laughed at after, or breaking down in tears over trivial things because of emotional volatility and being made to feel like a cry baby. Most of us remain committed to prioritising the need for social interaction; others, such as myself, have had enough negative experiences to prompt withdrawal from the vast majority of social contact.
For us, feelings of loneliness come from being unable to fit in, feeling like outsiders, existing in a world we cannot interact with, only sitting back and watching other people navigate it with relative ease. I have repeated many times in this blog that I prefer solitude over social interaction; it doesn’t mean I can’t get lonely. My preference for solitude creates the impression that I would not want to participate in certain group activities; people would think that the activity wouldn’t appeal to me. Sometimes the activity isn’t the important thing; you want to be in the company of people you enjoy.
Making the Most of Your Alone Time
You get lonely when your needs for social contact are not met; it is different to being alone. I require quite a lot of alone time; for example, the covid lockdown didn’t affect my well-being; it was nothing extraordinary. You can choose to be in solitude and thrive without much social interaction.
I’m going to tell you something very strange; cutting people off can make you feel less lonely; remember, you can feel lonely in a room full of people. If they don’t care about you and the relationship is fundamentally toxic, you’re always better off alone; If you don’t think that way, there’s possibly a problem with the way you spend your time in solitude.
Don’t sit around obsessing over negative thoughts; it will only result in adverse outcomes. Maybe you’re coping with trauma, insecurities, or past mistakes? Whatever it is, if it’s outside your control, then forget about it. Easier said than done, I know that, but you don’t have a choice. Sometimes life is hard, and we need to cope, but at all times, keep your mind on things you can control. Move proactively in a direction that will result in a better quality of life. Once your time in solitude becomes associated with tasks you enjoy, you will enjoy the time you take to tend to your life.
It would help if you found things to focus your mind on. The best activities are the ones that will yield you some future reward, like learning a new skill. You need to look back at your day and feel proud of the things you have accomplished. Sitting around playing video games or watching TV won’t get you anywhere. If you have creativity, you can turn an unproductive hobby into something worth nurturing; for example, you could become an online content creator who streams games or reaction videos.
If you can’t find a source of social stimulation, you should compensate with alternative forms of mental stimulation. You can learn about yourself or learn new skills; exercise is a good option; your self-esteem will grow as your productivity increases. You could introspect and explore your personality, perhaps become a better person, which will help your social life.
Alone time isn’t easy for everyone. A study titled: the challenges of the disengaged mind found that some people would rather subject themselves to repeated electric shocks than spend time with their thoughts. If you are not used to being alone, then the lack of social interaction can be an upsetting feeling. Similarly, the social stigma attached to being alone can make you feel embarrassed, ashamed or unwanted if you are in solitude. People who hold negative feelings toward solitude or think of it as a form of anti-social behaviour may experience alone time as if it were a punishment.
Surprising Benefits of Feeling Secure in Solitude
Sometimes when you’re going through a life crisis, it is easy to point the finger inward and believe you are to blame for everything. The answer isn’t to do a complete U-turn and start blaming the world for your issues, but you need to consider both internal and external factors.
Productive solitude requires levels of inner exploration that many find uncomfortable, even painful. Solitude gives you time to confront who you are, allowing time for reflection so you can come to navigate or resolve any forms of toxicity you are projecting or that surrounds you. When you take the time to remove yourself from your social context, you can better see how that context shapes you.
We’re drawn to socialise; often, our social identity is tied to our self-esteem; I don’t like that as it encourages the thought that we assess our value through the opinions of others rather than something internal.
It is a fundamental part of human growth to develop a healthy sense of autonomy, allowing you to function more as an individual. You separate your self-esteem from your social identity through solitude as you rediscover your individualism. You will begin to make decisions without external influence, teaching you more about yourself and your preferences.
You may even see an enhanced level of performance. When no one is watching you, anxiety levels drop significantly. Being free from judgement will give you the confidence to be more creative and explorative, whilst onlookers make you feel more restricted and more likely to conform.
Solitude is not all fun and roses. It is only productive if genuinely voluntary. The difference between effective and unproductive solitude is from the quality of self-reflection that comes with it. If you are incapable of regulating your emotions positively, the emotional isolation that comes with solitude will probably do you more harm than good.
